I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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