You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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