I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
