nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Are we still banned from the library?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
