Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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