booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
