I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
