i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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