i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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