I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
