I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
