ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
