You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
