So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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