Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
