no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
40s are totally the cure
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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