you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
