Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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