There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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