When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
