So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
