I'm so fucking centered right now
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
