Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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