see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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