We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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