I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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