Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
They are going to name an STD after you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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