onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
