At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
