I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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