I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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