I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
