tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
