so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
