Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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