You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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