dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
