you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
