his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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