She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
