I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
