yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
