no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
