This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
