we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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