The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
