I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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