I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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