That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
