alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
