you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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