I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
