Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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