Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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