I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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