Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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