Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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