Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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