He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
