Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
