Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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