hotel room ftw
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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