tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
