Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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