My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
